Star Fox & the Space Vampire
by lolwat64
Summary: All Fox wanted to do was relax and get away from Slippy for a while, but when Wolf decides to ruin his fun, his life is flipped upside down. Also there's a vampire.


Star Fox & the Space Vampire

One day (or rather a period of time equivalent to a day in outer space), Fox was on the Great Fox enjoying a glass of tea or something. He was in his room where often he laid back in his special extra-relaxy chair away from the noise of angsty emotional revelations, space combat, and Slippy.

Suddenly the Great Fox shook with the force of like three laser beams because that's what had hit it, knocking Fox out of his extra-relaxy chair. Needless to say, he was pretty pissed. He growled as he entered the bridge.

"What's going on?" Fox said.

"Fox! We're being attac—"

"I wasn't asking you, Slippy!" Fox said. He turned toward Falco.

"We're under attack, dipshit" Falco said.

"Thanks Falco. You're a swell dude."

Fox, Slippy, Falco, and Krystal got in their arwings and soared into the abyss surrounding the Great Fox.

"Who are you? Identify yourself!" Fox said.

"Can't let you do that Star Fox!"

"Oh f%^$ing why?!"

Fox did a barrel roll, a U-turn and then a boost to get through. Once positioned properly, he fired a shot directly at the cockpit of Wolf's ship. The window broke and Wolf flew out into space, presumably to die since this isn't Mario.

"Thank gods," Fox said as they settled back inside their mother ship. He felt pretty good now what with Wolf definitely being totally dead thanks to space.

He went back to his extra-relaxy chair, but when he sat down, he hit the ground. His chair had been moved several meters from its initial position. He fumed as he made his way to Slippy's room. When Slippy answered the door, Fox let him have it.

"You can't just move people's things around like you f%^&ing piece of s%^& for brains! I oughta' f%&*ing ^*%* %^&&^&* &%&*%&%*" And this went on for several hours or so. By the time he was done, Slippy had already cried himself into a coma.

Fox went back to his room, moved his chair back into position, and sat down.

"Ah, now I can finally relax."

"Can't let you do that Star Fox!" Wolf stepped out from the shadows of the far corner of the room.

"Wolf! But, how?!"

"All in good time, Star Fox. For you see, it was not Slippy who moved your extra-relaxy chair!"

Fox gasped.

"Then who!? Tell me who did it you monster!"

"It... It was me..." Wolf said.

"I'll kill you!" Fox said, grabbing his blaster and setting it to "kill". He aimed it at Wolf's smug face.

Wolf just smirked as Fox pulled the trigger. The beam bounced off his forehead like a coin bouncing off the edge of a mug of beer during one of those drinking games I hear is all the rage with kids these days. Fox stared in horror as Wolf's fangs became slightly sharper than they already were and his eyes (sorry, I mean eye) turned red.

"Oh my god! You... You're..."

"That's right, Fox! I'm a—"

"Werewolf!"

"Wait, what? No... I'm.. I'm a vampire."

"I know," Fox said with a smirk.

"Ooooh! I see what you did there," Wolf said with a chuckle.

Then he went back to killing Fox. He grabbed the vulpine by the shoulders. Fox struggled to no avail.

"I... Can't... Lose..." Fox said.

"You bitch! That's my line!" Wolf said.

Fox head-butted Wolf and threw Wolf off of him. He turned around to grab his trusty wooden stake, but he didn't actually have one of those and so Wolf ended up biting him. He drained the blood from Fox's body and let it fall to the floor.

When Fox woke up, everything was kind of fuzzy for a few minutes. He had this strange burning sensation in his throat. He was thirsty. Thirsty for blood. When he opened his eyes, Wolf was sitting next to him, stroking his fur.

"It's time for breakfast, darling," Wolf said.

"Wait, what?"

"Now that we're vampires, we can be together forever. No longer held back by the social boundaries that prevented us from consummating our love."

"Oh. Sweet."

Wolf and Fox consummated their love for like, several hours until finally they were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Fox said with an exasperated sigh.

"It's Slippy. Fox we have a situation. We think that Wolf didn't actually die and—"

Before Slippy could finish Fox was at the door, still totally naked.

"Oh... Fox... I didn't know you cared," Slippy said.

Fox snapped his neck, and Slippy was dead.

"Dinner?" Wolf said.

"I wouldn't recommend it," Fox said with a grimace at Slippy's very dead corpse.

"Wanna eat your friends then?"

"Yeah sure."

They put some clothes on and made their way out into the hall just in time to spot Krystal. She looked toward them and shrieked.

"Fox! Wolf is right behind you!" She said.

"Oh no!"

Fox turned around and pretended to be scared. He laughed and turned back around.

"Oh no, we're going to get you Krystal!" He said.

"Fox! What's going on? What's happened to you?"

Fox and Wolf pounced after Krystal. She ran as fast as she could toward the elevator-lift thing. The doors closed behind her, and she was safe... for the moment.

When she got to the bridge, Fox and Wolf were already there, blocking her from exiting the elevator-lift thing. They started to descend upon her, but something splashed onto them from behind. Wolf and Fox howled as the water burned their flesh and fur.

"Nice work, Falco!" Krystal said.

"No problem," Falco said, capping the bottle of holy water.

"Wait... you... knew...?" Fox said, writhing on the floor.

"I'm freaking psychic!" Krystal said.

"I can't... believe... you'd lie... to me like that..."

"Wow, Fox. Just wow."

Krystal stepped over them onto the bridge.

"I'm glad I found them before they could hurt anyone important," Krystal said.

"Yeah, so what now?" Falco said.

"Well, as much as I hate to say this, I don't think there's a way to save them. We'll have to kill them."

"Well, that sucks. So we need like a wooden stake or something?"

"Do we have any on the Great Fox?"

"I'm not sure. I could check the cargo bay. You stay here and keep an eye on them."

Falco left. Krystal tied up Fox and Wolf in anti-vampire rope before the effects of the holy water abated.

"Krystal! Don't do this! Please!" Fox pleaded.

"I'm sorry Fox. It's for your own good. Wolf has converted you to the sins of homosexuality and there's only one way to save you."

"Wait, what? No, I... Krystal, first of all, I'm bi. I always have been and secondly, I'm a f%^&ing vampire!"

"Wait, you're what? Bi? Is that even a thing?"

"Yeah Fox, I've got to be honest that sounds like a load of crap. Why can't you just admit you're gay?" Wolf said.

"Are you f^&*ing serious right now?" Fox said.

"What's taking Falco so long?" Krystal said, turning to ROB.

"Sensors indicate that Falco is dead."

"What?! But—"

The elevator-lift thing's doors opened and Slippy walked in. His neck was craned at an uncomfortable angle and his eyes glowed.

"Slippy!"

"No, it's not Slippy," Wolf said. "He's a zombie."

Krystal grabbed her staff and fired a psychic beam at the zombie, knocking it into the far wall. It fell in a heap on the floor. Before Krystal could feel relief it stood up again.

"Curses! What do I do?" Krystal said turning to Wolf and Fox.

"Oh, you're asking_ us_ for help? Weren't you planning on killing us?" Wolf said with a smirk.

"Weren't you planning on killing _me_?" Krystal said.

"Fair enough. You have to destroy its heart."

Krystal wasted no time. She lunged with the sharp end of her staff straight through the zombie's chest. It faltered and fell back. It looked at Krystal, the glow in its eyes started to fade. It groped Krystal's shoulder, digging its claws in deep. Krystal screamed as the glow returned to the zombie's eyes. It was sucking the life out of her.

"Krystal!" Fox cried. He struggled to break the rope but the anti-vampire properties suppressed his preternatural vampire strength.

The elevator door opened again and Falco – no, another zombie – slinked in. It drove its own claws into Krystal. Krystal's body fell limp to the floor.

"No! Why? How did this happen?" Fox said.

"Zombies are the result of necromancy. Somebody's controlling them," Wolf said.

A maniacal laugh echoed through the bridge.

"Right you are, Lord O'Donnell!"

The elevator-lift thingy's doors opened yet again to reveal – Leon!

"Powalski! I should have known!" Wolf said.

"Indeed!" Leon said, swaggering in. He looked at Krystal's body and pulled out a black book with ominous symbols inscribed on the front. He opened it. With his hand over Krystal's body, he chanted and she rose, the same glow in her eyes as Falco and Slippy.

"I'm constructing an army you see. And soon the Lylat System will belong to me. You see Lord O'Donnell, unlike you, I have ambition. You turned to the supernatural for what? A f%^&ing boyfriend?! You're pathetic!"

"Hmph, maybe so, but at least I don't need a whole galaxy to prove the size of my dick."

Leon narrowed his eyes and chuckled.

"Say what you will, but I have the upper hand here. And I will start by showing you just how big my dick really is!"

"Oh gods why?!" Fox shrieked.

"Fox, he means he's going to torture us," Wolf said.

"Oh." Fox let out a relieved sigh. "Wait, that's not—"

Fox and Wolf screamed as Leon unleashed a bolt of searing pain from his fingertips.

Leon stopped when the elevator-lift thing's doors opened AGAIN.

"Panther! What are you doing here I told you to wait in the Cargo Bay," Leon said.

"My apologies, I just wanted to make sure—" Panther stopped dead as he saw Krystal's zombie.

"You...! You promised you wouldn't hurt her!" Panther said.

"I promise a lot of things Caroso."

"Panther! You traiterous scum! You were in on this too!" Wolf said.

"I'm sorry Wolf... I... had my reasons," Panther said, looking sadly upon Krystal's incredibly dead, eye-glowy face.

"Bah! Enough of this. I've no more use for you Caroso."

Leon snapped his fingers and the three zombies turned toward Panther. Panther pulled a rose from his pocket and threw it at them. The rose erupted into a burst of light and the zombies evaporated.

"Why you...!" Leon started to chant aiming his hand at Panther's face. Panther pulled out his hyper blaster and fired. The slim gold beam drilled a hole in Leon's head. Leon crumpled to the floor.

Panther put his weapon away. With a heavy heart he stepped toward a console next to ROB and tapped several buttons.

"The Great Fox will self-destruct in five minutes," the computer blared.

"What are you doing?!" Fox said trying to break free from the ropes yet again.

"This ship has been tainted with the dark forces. The blood of many has been poured. I cannot allow its curse to continue."

"You! You're just going to leave us here?!" Wolf snapped.

"No, you are going. I will be staying."

Panther moved to Fox and Wolf and untied them.

"You can't just commandeer my ship like this!" Fox said, bearing his fangs.

Panther pulled out another rose.

"I'm doing you a kindness. You either take it and leave, start life anew, or you can die here with me. It is your choice."

Without hesitation, Wolf grabbed Fox's hand and dragged him to the elevator.

"What are you—"

"Quiet Fox. By all means we should be dead. Panther's right. It's time to cut our losses," Wolf said.

Fox remained quiet and squeezed Wolf's hand in understanding. They got in their respective ships and flew off. Once they were a safe distance, Fox came to a full stop and turned around.

"What are you doing?" Wolf said.

"I... I need to see it end..."

The Wolfen pulled up next to the Arwing. They watched the Great Fox drift through space in its final moments. Finally, a bright flash illuminated empty space, leaving nothing but rubble in its wake as it faded.

"Are you okay?" Wolf said.

"I'll be fine. After all, I have you now," Fox said with a tearful smile.

Wolf smiled back and the two set off for a future unknown.


End file.
